fake apology, I'm a drug addict

During orientation this week at "Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry" they were talking about drinking and cigarette use. They ask people to be very careful with drinking so that one would not even start to be tipsy and to be sure not to offend someone that may have a problem with alcohol abuse. This may be surprising to some or even shocking to others as the prevalent Christian doctrine is that drinking alcohol is a sin. The issue is that the bible does not teach this doctrine. It teaches not to drink if it offends your brother but then again it teaches the same about meat and most Christians are not vegetarians. BSSM has a different opinion on cigarettes as it is an addiction. Their point is if you are praying for someone for release from an addiction and they smell cigarettes on you then the other person may wonder how you can have power to pray for them when you have an obvious addition. Does that mean God can not use someone that smokes? It does not mean that but we are learning a culture with very different core values which includes practicing what we preach. This can be summed up in the core value of honesty.

Well, I have been for a long time drug addict. My drug of choice is caffeine. Not that caffeine is bad just the abuse of it is wrong. At one point I had a 30 cup per day habit. I had cut back to a mere 10-15 cups. I know this is a socially acceptable addition and welcomed among the Christian community. Some people can drink a cup or two a day and be fine. More power to them but 2 cups per day... what would be the point? I started Friday going cold-turkey off of caffeine. OK, I know, that does not sound very wise but I have tried the cut back method and it did not work for me. I had no idea how bad it would be! By mid-afternoon I had such a bad migraine that I was nauseated. I tried to make it to the bathroom but only manged a trashcan halfway there. This was in the middle of our first small group meeting so I left a slightly bad impression. Saturday was most miserable. Sunday was a little better, and today is a lot better.

I sent an email to our revival group leader with an apology. I explained in great detail. I learned something though from his response. His response was only "Apology accepted". That was it. Nothing like, hey no problem, we understand, no need for an apology, you are really something because after all of that you came back to class, and came to the required night meeting to boot. I thought, "Apology accepted?". I realized that my apology was nothing more than trying to excuse my poor performance. I also realized that my revival group leader knew that I wanted the other response. My main goal was to make myself look better and my revival group leader was not fooled. My fake apology is contrary to our core value of honesty. I do not take this lightly and seek no respect for recognizing the issue.

This lesson is of great value to me. It is starting to shape a need in me. I do not need to perform nor be self-justified. In the culture of love I am empowered to be who God made me without trying to be what others want me to be. If I truly did offend then I need to deal with it from a heart of humility with a true apology motivated by love. There was nothing wrong with my apology, it needed to be done, but with the correction motivation of really being sorry for the disruption in class and the mess I made at the hall trashcan.